


Waffling Deities

by Shevrock



Category: Original Work
Genre: Dark Comedy, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-08 18:15:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16434392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shevrock/pseuds/Shevrock
Summary: Former Waffle House manager Jack King thought he knew all about the strange things that went on in Florida, then a few hundred "special" retirees came to his neck of the woods. They get him fired from his job and now he's working for them as a PA. Making sure the sun gods keep the sun shining, Zeus keeps it in his pants, Hades and Hel don't raise too many zombies and Loki stops messing with the mob is just a slow weekend.





	Waffling Deities

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a test chapter for a new idea I'm playing with. I may change it to first person or a whole host of other changes. I don't mean any disrespect to any specific religion or culture, it's all in good fun. Also i need to change the wording on Hera's blog. She isn't a terf.

Jack King was a simple man. His family moved to America in the 1800’s and set up shop in Florida doing whatever kept a roof over their heads. Being a 25-year-old in 2019 he knew that feeling all too well. He had been a manager of Waffle House that got sent to other Waffle House’s to sort out the lazy crews and other managers. It wasn’t the best job with the best hours, but it kept him busy and fed. Now, due to a group of repeat customers, he works as something of a personal assistant to a bunch of retirees.  
Jack sighed and dumped the Walmart supplies into his old green Volkswagen next to the black bags he already had and climbed into the front seat. Tonight, he was mediating a meeting between a small but important group the retirees. They all showed up about two months ago and had insinuated themselves all over Florida with random businesses that popped up overnight and a string of people with complaints of venereal disease. Jack started the car and listened to it rattle unhealthily for a few seconds before pulling out of the parking lot.   
Naples was relatively quiet in the off season. It was mainly baby-boomers and tourists from across the pond that didn’t care about the weather either way. It was billed as “high end yet affordable”. Meaning rent was expensive and scarce for those without a 6-figure job. Thankfully Jack’s new PA job payed a great deal more than his Waffle House job. That said, he much preferred the late-night drunks and forty waffle stoners to this particular group of retirees.  
He made it to his old Waffle House and saw the retirees cars parked in a row. They were all expensive and overblown, especially the Japanese racing import Jack couldn’t possible pronounce. He parked next to a pimped-out escalade and turned off the engine. Jack could see them inside through the glass walls.   
They looked normal. They were an ethnically diverse group of five elderly retirees just, eating waffles. There were more than five though, many more. Jack just hadn’t met all of them yet, but they assured him he would. It had sounded like a threat at the time and as the months have gone on it proved to be one. Jack stared at the retirees for a few more minutes before smacking his steering wheel until his hands hurt. It didn’t take too long, he was a short chubby man with very little pain tolerance. He swore and got out of the car and collected the bags from his back seat. When he stared walking towards the Waffle House the Japanese lady sitting at the table saw him and waved. Jack very specifically didn’t want to piss off these five retirees so he waved with the bags in his right hand.  
“Hey, Susanne, how goes it?” Jack asked his former assistant manager that was manning the counter when he walked in. She was a 19 year old with a half shaven head and a few too many piercings to walk out in a storm. She glared at Jack and jerked her head towards the retirees.  
“It was fine ‘till they showed up. I thought people eat less as they get wrinkly. That and the Irish one is all hands. He keeps it up I’m going to get Trinne to shoot him.” She thrashed a cleaning rag around as she spoke. Jack put up his hands as best he could with the bags to try and placate her.  
“I’ll talk to him and you need to tell Trinne to stop bringing her gun. This is a Waffle House, have some class.”  
“Exactly, it’s a Waffle House. One of the few places in the world you can get a cheap meal, drugs, and a hooker in the same spot.” Susanne chortled. Jack sighed.  
“It’s not that bad.”  
“Are those from the sex shop?” Susanne asked pointing to the black plastic bags. Jack held in a dejected sigh, he felt like that was the only sound he made some days and nodded.  
“Right, go deal with your prunes you freak.” Susanne walked off to go clean tables on the other side of the store. Jack groaned, another sound he did too often, and walked over to the retirees.  
“Hello.” He said simply as he sat down at the head of the table and set his bags beside him. They all mumbled something around their food except the older Japanese lady. She stopped eating and did a small bow.  
“Hello, Jack King.” She said before pointing towards the bags.  
‘Did you get what I wanted?” She asked politely. Jack nodded and handed her one of the black bags. She pushed her plate aside and pulled out a strap on harness in a box and a vibrator that attached to it. That’s not to mention the many dental dams that spilled out of the bag accidentally.  
“Think you can use that?” The Irishman said derisively between bites of waffle. The rest of the table groaned as she put her things back in the bag.  
“At least mine won’t have an hour refractory period, Lugh.” She said with a knowing smile. Lugh stopped eating and glared at her. Jack coughed loudly and set his hands on the table. The five retirees, one Japanese woman, an Irishman, a Greek, an Egyptian, and a fair-haired Scandinavian stopped eating and looked at Jack.  
“We are not here to bicker. The schedule says we discuss your duties and distribute supplies as needed. Here are your bags.” Jack handed out black bags filled with sex toys, condoms, plan b, dental dams, and lube. They all sorted through their bags with smiles that looked like they belonged on a kid who just stole his brothers candy.  
“Happy?” Jack asked. He wasn’t, thinking about all that wrinkly flesh having sex on the regular while he couldn’t get someone to swipe right on tinder made him a little salty. They nodded and set their various bags at their feet.  
“Who wants to go first?” Four of the five looked at the Egyptian man. He looked sheepish in his tailored white suit and round harry potter glasses.  
“Horus, is there something you want to say?” He pulled off his glasses and cleaned them with a cloth for a second.  
“I can’t see out of my right eye.”  
“That’s not good. I’m going to go call my mom.” The Scandinavian said and quickly got up. The Greek grabbed him by the arm.  
“Baldur, shut up and sit down.” Baldur looked around for a moment before putting his phone in his pocket and sitting back down.  
“Thank you, Apollo.” Jack said as he looked at Horus.  
“Is it blurry? Do you need new glasses? I can set up an appointment for you with a nice optometrist.” Jack suggested helpfully. He pulled out his phone and looked at his calendar for the sun deities residing in Florida. They were pretty low maintenance, it was just important that they were happy.  
“It’s not that, we tried healing him.” Apollo said smoothly. He looked to be in his early fifties but was all muscle and sinew.  
“So, what is it?” Jack asked.  
“It’s a portent of the end.” Baldur said quietly. Jack sighed again.  
“Okay, we have talked about this Baldur. Not everything bad happening is a sign or prophecy. Now put your phone back in your pocket. You’re not calling your mom.” Jack said sternly. Baldur complied.  
“Amaterasu, Apollo, Lugh, is the sun in any danger at the moment?” The three shrugged. HE scratched his head for a second and leaned back in his chair.  
“Let’s table this till Horus gets his eyes checked, cause last time I looked the sun was still out. Deal?” Jack asked the group. They all nodded a few times.  
“So, other than Horus having a vision issue is anyone else having a problem doing their job?” They shook their heads no.  
“Okay, Hercules called asked if you can lay up on California for a bit. Apparently, the fires are threatening a lot of his client’s homes.” Hercules was a professional trainer for movie stars in California. Jack didn’t know exactly how many demigods were running around but the retirees either loved them vehemently or would rather cut out an eye than talk about them.  
“I think we can do that.” Apollo said as he started tucking into his food again. Lugh shrugged, and Baldur started pulling out his phone again until Amaterasu smacked his hand.  
“Is that a yes?” They all nodded.  
“Good. Maybe I can get some rain over their soon too.” Jack smiled.  
“Oya might, but Chacc and the others hate Hercules since that Disney movie came out.” Amaterasu pointed out.  
“That was in ’97!” Jack complained.  
“I still don’t talk to my brother after he destroyed my loom and that was a few millennia ago.” Amaterasu said with a smile.  
“You have to remember we live on a different scale than you.” Horus said as he cleaned his glasses again. Jacks mind went to the immense amount of wealth they had all acquired somehow, but he knew Horus was talking about time. They had tried to explain it multiple times, but Thor did it the best. He said that gods have been around since the beginning of time and even though they looked like people, most of the time, the sheer amount of life they have lived gives them an entirely different look on life. They have seen the beginning and will see the end, whereas humans see a brief glimpse of the world at a time. He said they have grown tired of living like gods and just want to relax, then promptly did a butt-chug with some college students. He’s a great guy too and always calls people an uber when they’re drunk.  
“Right. Anything else we need to bring to the table?” Jack asked tiredly.  
“Hera is looking for Zeus again.” Lugh said as he pulled out his phone and showed Jack an article. Hera ran a radical feminist blog that was supposed to be about home births but usually devolved into her complaining about her husband. The article had a picture of Zeus, in board shorts, a half open floral shirt, and gold chains, walking out of a strip club with two women on his arms. Jack didn’t need to read the article, he could already see the long caps locked sentences.  
“Fuck. I’ll find him.” Jack said as he pulled out his own phone and opened up a child tracking app. Most of the gods weren’t the most tech savvy, so he frequently installed trackers on their phones. It was a little underhanded and shady but keeping an eye on gods like Pan so he didn’t sneak up on you was good for your health, and knowing where Zeus’s penis was could be considered paramount to his survival. Jack started getting up to leave but Amaterasu grabbed his arm. Jack leaned down to her.  
“Can you set me up with that cute thing behind the counter?” Jack looked at Susanne and wondered if he should do that to his former college. He remembered something then.  
“Lugh, keep your hands off the staff or I won’t bring you that mango flavored lube anymore.” Jack said sternly as he stood up straight. Lugh laughed.  
“I can buy it myself! Lakshmi taught me how to use American money.” Lugh said proudly.  
“Your still banned from the shop that sells it. Keep your hands to yourself.” Jack patted Amaterasu on the shoulder and walked towards Susanne.  
“Hey, Susanne, can you help Amy to her car. I have to go put out a fire and her legs are a little shaky.” Jack said easily. Susanne sighed and nodded.  
“Fine, but don’t expect me to wipe her ass for you too.” She complained. Jack smiled and wondered just how close to Amaterasu’s ass she’d get. He left the Waffle House and looked at his phone. Zeus was at another strip club. He never learned.


End file.
